Because this imaginary Linux distro was supposed to be a weird result of adding Windows features into Linux, I wanted to name my imaginary distro after a Microsoft OS. First, I tried the name Lindows, but when I googled it up just to be sure, there already was a real distro named like that! I had to come up with another name, so I picked Linux XP. While googling it up, the name Linux XP didn’t seem to be taken by any real distro, so I used it instead of Lindows. To be frank, I didn’t believe anyone would actually name a real distro like that.
I can’t believe there actually is a distro named Linux XP these days. Judging by the feedback I’m getting, many people have recently started taking this article seriously. Some time ago, most of the tuXfiles visitors realized this article was a joke because the features of this “Linux distro” were so outrageous. Not anymore. These days, the features of this “distro” actually seem real.
Like I already said, I know I could rename this imaginary Linux distro. For example, Linux Vista sounds cool. However, I don’t want to. I used the name Linux XP before anyone knew anything about a real distro named like that. Besides, if such names as Lindows and Linux XP actually became reality, I’m sure there will be a real distro named Linux Vista in a couple of years, anyway.
I want to keep this article here for nostalgy reasons. It’s actually pretty frightening to see your own joke becoming actual reality.
< Linux XP, the distro with Clippy >
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to announce a new and improved Linux distribution, Linux XP! It is the distribution that has all the most popular features of Windows, combined with the stability of Linux. Here are some of the special features of Linux XP:
Ease of use. One of the reasons why Windows is so popular is its ease of use. Some innovative improvements have been made to Linux XP. For example, many users find the permissions confusing, because it’s weird that a normal user can write to only one directory. It’s also confusing that only the root user can install new software. Linux XP doesn’t have this permission problem, because every user on this new and improved distribution has the same rights as root. This leads to increased security, because now the user doesn’t have to log in as the root user at all!
No command line. The command line is often confusing people, and it looks too much like MS-DOS, so Linux XP doesn’t have a command line at all! The X Window System starts up automatically when the system boots up, the user won’t be able to switch to another virtual terminal, and there are no terminal emulators whatsoever. This has two advantages. First, the user doesn’t have to even see the command line which would look like old and obsolete DOS. Second, when the X Window System crashes, the whole Linux system becomes unusable because the user can’t go to the command line. This will force the user to press the computer’s Reset button, thus giving him the same feel as in Windows.
Improved BSOD. The BSOD is one thing that a Windows user sees regularly, and it may be hard to get used to the fact that there are no BSOD’s in Linux. But Linux XP has it’s own improved BSOD that occurs every time the kernel crashes, and because the Linux XP’s BSOD has a beautiful shaded background, it’s even more pleasant to watch than its Windows equivalent. Of course Linux XP uses its own modified Linux kernel, with a new code that makes the operating system crash randomly.
Clippy. Since many users migrating from Microsoft Office will miss Clippy, Linux XP has its own version of Clippy: Tuxedo, a cute penguin character that looks like Tux. Our customers can be confident that Tuxedo will be even more helpful than Clippy. For example, when the user opens a wordprocessor, Tuxedo suggests websites that teach how to read and write. And when the user moves the mouse, Tuxedo tells the user what is a mouse, how it is used, and displays a mouse tutorial.
Advanced file management. In other Linux distributions, it’s easy to accidentally overwrite or delete an important file, without the chance to undo the changes. In Linux XP’s new graphical file manager the risk of doing this unfortunate mistake is smaller. For example, when the user deletes a file, Linux XP will show a dialog asking: “Do you really want to delete this file?” If the user clicks OK, another dialog says: “If you delete this file, it will be removed from your system. Proceed?” If the user clicks OK, another dialog informs: “If you remove this file, you won’t be able to view or execute it anymore. Are you sure?” If the user still clicks OK, another dialog says: “Removing this file may affect other files on your system. Do you want to continue?” If the user clicks OK again, a dialog asks: “Are you sure you want to delete this file?” If the user clicks OK, the file manager will move the file to Trash and Tuxedo pops up telling the user that he’s removed the file and he won’t be able to view or execute it again, unless he wants to restore it from Trash.
Beautiful desktop. Linux XP uses a modified version of KDE, with look and feel similar to Windows XP, except that the window decorations are cuter, the buttons are more round, and the icons are bigger. The default installation of Linux XP contains the Barbie, Candy, Teletubbies, and Sickbag themes, and our customers can easily download more themes from the Linux XP’s website.
Improved virus and worm support. The unfortunate fact is that there are many viruses for Windows but very few for Linux. Linux XP has a special support for Windows viruses, which means that Windows viruses can damage a Linux XP system just as much as they damage Windows! This makes users who migrate from Windows really feel like home. The new Outlook compatible mail client for Linux XP ensures the easiest and most efficient way of getting infected by new viruses and forwarding them to all of the user’s friends. When a Linux XP system gets infected by a virus, a dialog box is displayed with a progress bar and the informative text “Please wait while your system is being damaged.” At the same time some relaxing music is played in order to make sure the waiting is as pleasant as possible, since the process may take a while, depending on the virus.
Trojan Horse downloads. The Linux XP’s website has huge software download archives, and the users can easily download many different Trojan horses to their system. And because every normal user on a Linux XP system has the same rights as the root user, our customers can be confident that the damages caused by Trojans are maximized on a Linux XP system, thus letting the users experience exciting moments.
Cracker friendly. Because it is very easy to crack a Windows system, we have realized that most Windows users would feel trapped if they used a normal Linux installation. Fortunately, the new Linux XP has a security system which makes sure that every possible port on a Linux XP system is open. If this isn’t enough, we also have a “Cracker Invite Wizard” which walks the user through an easy procedure where he can define how, when and how often he wants the system to be cracked. As a new feature in the latest version of the Cracker Invite Wizard the user can also enable the “Script Kiddie” option and define the age range he prefers, and the Cracker Invite Wizard automatically generates scripts and little programs based on the user’s preferences and sends them to the creative and talented members of the “1337 Linux XP 5cr1p7 k1dd13z community”.
New marketing strategy. The marketing strategy of Linux XP is new and innovative. We have currently sued every other company and organization that maintains and develops other Linux distributions, because the usage of the word “Linux” may cause confusion between Linux XP and other Linux distributions. We have also sued Microsoft for using the letters XP in their products, because it can lead to a confusion between Linux XP and Windows XP. Because of these lawsuits, Linux XP will be very soon the only operating system available, and every user will have a compatible environment.
We keep you up-to-date Our new licensing policy helps you to have only the latest software on your system, thus being always up-to-date. When you buy Linux XP for only $1000, you’ll get the right to use it for one year. After the period has expired, you’ll have to buy the newest version of Linux XP and another one-year-license for $1000. If you don’t buy, you’ll have to pay $1700 the next time you upgrade, instead of $1000. As you can see, this new licensing policy encourages our customers to upgrade constantly. And because every new version of Linux XP has greater hardware requirements, you’ll have to buy new hardware every time you upgrade your software, so you have not only the latest Linux XP but also the latest hardware.